An individual marriage counselling session: Lin Qing, a Mandarin-speaking woman, speaks with an English-speaking counsellor regarding communication breakdowns, financial stress following her husband James’s redundancy, intercultural disagreements over sending money to overseas family, and boundaries ahead of a joint session.
- Counsellor · turn 1
Hello, Ms Lin. It’s nice to meet you. Before we begin, would you prefer me to call you Ms Lin, or Qing?
您好，林女士。很高興見到您。在我們開始之前，您希望我稱呼您為林女士，還是叫您清？
- Qing · turn 2
我叫林清，叫我清就好了。其實我最近感受不太好。我跟 James 結婚已經四年了，以前我們的關係一直都挺好的。但是三個月前他被裁員之後，就好像完全變了另一個人一樣。
My name is Lin Qing; you can just call me Qing. Actually, I haven't been feeling very good recently. James and I have been married for four years, and our relationship had always been quite good. But since he was made redundant three months ago, he seems to have completely changed into a different person.
- Counsellor · turn 3
I understand. Losing a job can put a great deal of pressure on someone, particularly when a household depends on that income. Could you tell me what changes you’ve noticed in James since he was made redundant?
我理解。失去工作會給人帶來巨大的壓力，尤其是當一個家庭依賴這份收入時。您能否告訴我，自從他被裁員以來，您注意到詹姆斯（James）有哪些變化？
- Qing · turn 4
他以前是一個很開朗的人，也很願意跟我溝通，但是現在經常一個人生悶氣。有時候我問他發生了甚麼事，他就說沒事，或者說他很累，不想談。上星期五他跟你談完之後回到家，態度好像好了一點，但是他完全沒有跟我提起你們談話的內容，好像根本不在意這件事一樣。
He used to be a very cheerful person and was always willing to communicate with me, but now he often sulks on his own. Sometimes when I ask what happened, he says nothing's wrong, or that he's tired and doesn't want to talk. After he met with you last Friday and came home, his attitude seemed a bit better, but he didn't mention anything at all about what you discussed, as if he didn't care about it at all.
- Counsellor · turn 5
I think there’s been a misunderstanding. James wasn’t expected to tell you what we discussed last Friday. What a client tells me during an individual counselling session is confidential. If there is something that needs to be discussed between the two of you, we can address it together during a joint session.
我想這裡可能有些誤會。我們並未要求詹姆斯把上週五我們討論的內容告訴您。諮詢人在個人輔導期間對我說的所有內容都是保密的。如果有任何需要你們雙方共同商討的事宜，我們可以在聯合諮詢中一起解決。
- Qing · turn 6
哦，原來是這樣。那是我誤會他了。其實自從他被裁員以後，我一直鼓勵他去找其他工作，但是他就像洩了氣的皮球一樣，整個人一蹶不振。我有時候也不知道應該怎樣幫他。
Oh, I see. Then I misunderstood him. Actually, ever since he was made redundant, I've been encouraging him to look for other work, but he's like a deflated balloon, completely disheartened. Sometimes I just don't know how to help him.
- Counsellor · turn 7
It sounds as though you’ve been trying to encourage him, but perhaps the two of you respond to setbacks differently. Do you think your different cultural backgrounds have affected the way you deal with the situation?
聽起來您一直在努力鼓勵他，但也許你們兩人面對挫折時的應對方式不同。您認為你們不同的文化背景是否影響了雙方處理這種困境的方式？
- Qing · turn 8
有可能。不知道是不是因為我來自中國，在我們的傳統觀念裡，一分耕耘，一分收穫。我從小就覺得，只要願意努力，就一定會有回報。所以我很難理解為甚麼他被裁員之後就一直振作不起來。我叫他繼續找工作，他有時候反而覺得我是在給他壓力。
That's possible. I don't know whether it's because I come from China, but in our traditional thinking, 'no pain, no gain'. Since childhood, I've believed that as long as you're willing to work hard, there will be rewards. So it's hard for me to understand why he couldn't pull himself together after being laid off. When I tell him to keep looking for a job, he sometimes feels I'm putting pressure on him.
- Counsellor · turn 9
I understand. Cultural differences can sometimes create unique challenges in a relationship, particularly when each person has different expectations about work, family and responsibility. Apart from those cultural differences, are there any other concerns you’d like to discuss? For example, do you have any children, or are you planning to have children?
我理解。文化差異有時確實會給感情帶來特殊的挑戰，特別是當每個人對工作、家庭和責任抱有不同期望時。除了這些文化差異之外，還有其他您想探討的擔憂嗎？例如，你們有孩子嗎，或者有要孩子的打算嗎？
- Qing · turn 10
我們現在還沒有孩子，但是我很想要一個。因為我年紀也不小了，我不想再等太久。可是 James 一直猶豫不決，尤其是現在我們家庭收入突然少了很多，他覺得我們根本沒有經濟能力撫養孩子。
We don't have children right now, but I really want one. I'm not young anymore, and I don't want to wait too long. But James has been hesitant, especially now that our household income has suddenly dropped so much—he feels we simply don't have the financial means to raise a child.
- Counsellor · turn 11
That’s certainly an important issue for you both to discuss. Having a child is a major financial and emotional commitment, so it’s understandable that losing one source of income might make James feel uncertain. Has the change in your financial circumstances caused any other disagreements?
這確實是你們雙方都需要探討的重要議題。生養孩子是一項重大的經濟和情感承諾，因此失去一份收入讓詹姆斯感到迷茫是可以理解的。財務狀況的改變是否還引發了其他分歧？
- Qing · turn 12
有。其實最近我們關係惡化的導火索，就是我給父母寄錢這件事。以前 James 一直都知道我會給父母寄錢，他也沒有反對。但是上星期我給父母寄了四千澳元，因為我弟弟快要結婚了。James 知道以後非常生氣。
Yes. In fact, the catalyst for our deteriorating relationship recently was me sending money to my parents. In the past, James always knew I sent money to my parents, and he never objected. But last week I sent 4,000 Australian dollars to my parents because my younger brother is getting married soon. When James found out, he was furious.
- Counsellor · turn 13
I see. In some cultures, financially supporting parents and other family members is considered a very important family responsibility. How did James react when he found out that you’d sent the money?
我明白了。在某些文化中，在經濟上奉養父母和其他家庭成員被視為非常重要的家庭責任。詹姆斯發現您寄了那筆錢時，有何反應？
- Qing · turn 14
他就是不能理解，還責怪我不應該用我們的積蓄給我父母寄錢。可是我覺得很不公平，因為我每個星期都把整份工資存進我們的聯名賬戶。我從來沒有偷偷藏自己的收入。
He simply couldn't understand it and blamed me for using our savings to send money to my parents. But I feel that's very unfair, because every week I deposit my entire salary into our joint account. I've never secretly hidden away any of my own earnings.
- Counsellor · turn 15
Did the two of you have an agreement about how money in the joint account could be spent? For example, did you normally consult each other before making a large purchase or transferring a significant amount of money?
你們兩人對於聯名賬戶裡的錢該如何支出是否有過約定？例如，在大額消費或轉賬一大筆資金前，通常是否會先互相商量？
- Qing · turn 16
沒有很正式地談過。可是之前 James 也從聯名賬戶裡拿錢，跟幾個很要好的朋友去越南旅行。我當時甚麼都沒有說，因為我覺得他工作辛苦，偶爾跟朋友出去旅行也沒甚麼。可是現在我拿錢幫自己的家人，他卻反應這麼激烈，真的讓我很受傷。
We never talked about it formally. But previously James also took money from the joint account to go travelling in Vietnam with several close friends. I didn't say anything at the time because I felt he worked hard and there was nothing wrong with going on a trip with friends once in a while. But now when I use money to help my own family, his reaction is so extreme, which really hurt me.
- Counsellor · turn 17
It does sound like there’s a gap in understanding between the two of you. Have you explained to James why sending this money to your family is so important to you?
聽起來你們兩人之間確實存在理解上的隔閡。您是否曾向詹姆斯解釋過，為甚麼寄這筆錢給您的家人對您來說如此重要？
- Qing · turn 18
我有試過跟他解釋。在中國，家裡有人結婚的時候，送紅包作為賀禮是一種傳統。而且他是我親弟弟，我不可能甚麼都不表示。這不只是錢的問題，對我來說也是對家人的一份心意和責任。
I've tried explaining it to him. In China, giving a red envelope as a wedding gift when someone in the family gets married is a tradition. What's more, he's my own younger brother—there's no way I could show no gesture at all. It's not just about the money; to me, it's also a token of affection and duty toward my family.
- Counsellor · turn 19
It can be difficult for people from different cultural backgrounds to fully understand each other’s perspectives, especially when it comes to financial matters. In Western culture, money is often considered quite personal, and couples can have very different expectations about what should be shared and what should remain separate.
對於具有不同文化背景的人來說，要完全理解對方的視角確實很不容易，特別是在金錢財務問題上。在西方文化中，金錢往往被視為相當個人的事，伴侶之間對於甚麼應該共享、甚麼應該分開，可能會有截然不同的期望。
- Qing · turn 20
其實 James 並不是不尊重我的家人。他是一個很體貼的人，每次跟我去中國，他都會主動給我的家人買禮物。所以我覺得這次可能主要是因為他被裁員以後心理壓力太大，對我們未來的財務狀況過於擔心。
Actually, it's not that James doesn't respect my family. He's a very considerate person, and every time he goes to China with me, he takes the initiative to buy gifts for my family. So I think this time is mainly because the mental pressure after being laid off has been too great, and he's overly worried about our future financial situation.
- Counsellor · turn 21
That may well be part of it. Financial insecurity can place considerable strain on a relationship. At the same time, it sounds as though both of you need clearer expectations about your joint finances. If I may make a suggestion, you could consider maintaining a joint account for household expenses while also having separate personal accounts.
這很可能是原因之一。經濟上的不安全感會給感情帶來巨大壓力。同時，聽起來你們雙方對於共同財務都需要建立更清晰的預期。如果允許我提出建議的話，你們可以考慮保留一個聯名賬戶用於家庭開銷，同時各自設立獨立的個人賬戶。
- Qing · turn 22
我覺得這個方法可以考慮。我不是一定要他同意我做的每一件事，我只是希望我們可以好好溝通。我覺得這些問題都是可以談的，而不是一個人生悶氣，或者找藉口衝我發脾氣。
I think that approach is worth considering. I don't insist that he agree with everything I do; I just hope we can communicate properly. I feel these issues can all be discussed, rather than one person sulking in silence or finding excuses to lose their temper at me.
- Counsellor · turn 23
That’s something we can work on together. It’s important that both of you are able to express your concerns without blaming or attacking each other. Is there anything in particular you’d like me to raise with James when we meet again?
這是我們可以共同努力改善的方向。重要的是，你們雙方都能夠在不互相指責或攻擊的前提下表達自己的顧慮。在我們下次與詹姆斯會面時，有甚麼特別的事項是您希望我替您提起的嗎？
- Qing · turn 24
我希望他明白，我並不是不關心我們的家庭，也不是隨便亂花錢。我知道他現在沒有工作，經濟壓力很大。我只是希望他也能理解，我的父母和弟弟對我來說同樣是很重要的家人。我不希望每次談到錢，我們最後都變成吵架。
I hope he understands that I do care about our family and I'm not throwing money around recklessly. I know he doesn't have a job right now and the financial pressure is immense. I just hope he can also understand that my parents and brother are equally important family members to me. I don't want every discussion about money to end up in an argument.
- Counsellor · turn 25
Certainly. For the next appointment, I’d like both of you to come back and see me together. I’d like to talk to you about communication, financial expectations and setting appropriate boundaries within an intimate relationship.
好的。在下次預約中，我希望你們兩位一起過來。我想和你們聊聊親密關係中的溝通方式、財務預期以及設定適當的個人邊界。
- Qing · turn 26
好的，我願意跟他一起來。我也希望我們可以把這些事情說清楚。畢竟我們結婚四年了，我不想因為錢或者文化差異就把我們的關係弄得越來越差。
Sure, I'm willing to come with him. I also hope we can talk through these matters clearly. After all, we've been married for four years, and I don't want money or cultural differences to ruin our relationship.
- Counsellor · turn 27
That’s understandable. One thing we’ll discuss is that being in a close relationship doesn’t necessarily mean having to share every private thought or personal matter. Sometimes people simply aren’t ready to discuss certain things, even with someone they love very much. It’s important to respect each other’s privacy and boundaries while still maintaining open communication.
這很能理解。我們將要討論的其中一點是，身處親密關係中並不意味著必須毫無保留地分享每一個私密想法或個人事務。有時候，人們只是還沒準備好談論某些事情，即使面對的是自己深愛的人。在保持坦誠溝通的同時，尊重彼此的隱私和邊界同樣至關重要。
- Qing · turn 28
我明白。我以前可能覺得夫妻之間甚麼都應該說，所以他不願意告訴我你們上星期談了甚麼，我就以為他故意瞞著我。現在我知道那是他自己的隱私，我會尊重他的。
I understand. In the past, I probably felt that husband and wife should share everything, so when he wouldn't tell me what you discussed last week, I assumed he was deliberately hiding something from me. Now I know that's his own privacy, and I will respect that.
- Counsellor · turn 29
Good. At the joint session, we’ll also look at some practical ways for both of you to discuss money and other sensitive issues without the conversation turning into an argument. I’ll ask James to explain his concerns, and you’ll have an opportunity to explain your perspective as well.
很好。在聯合諮詢中，我們還將探索一些實用的方法，讓你們在討論金錢及其他敏感話題時，不會演變成爭吵。我會請詹姆斯說明他的顧慮，您也同樣會有機會陳述您的視角。
- Qing · turn 30
好的。其實我也不想證明到底誰對誰錯，我只是希望我們能重新理解對方，找到一個兩個人都可以接受的辦法。
All right. Actually, I don't want to prove who is right and who is wrong; I just hope we can understand each other again and find a solution that works for both of us.
- Counsellor · turn 31
That’s a constructive place to start. I’ll arrange a joint appointment for both of you, and we’ll continue from there.
這是一個非常建設性的起點。我會為你們兩位安排一次聯合預約，屆時我們再繼續探討。
- Qing · turn 32
好的，謝謝你。我會回去跟 James 說，希望我們下次可以一起過來。
Okay, thank you. I'll go back and talk to James, and hopefully we can come together next time.
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